After we went home from the orphanage yesterday we all started crying and we had a big talk about if we should go home or stay here and look at other kids. We all decided to sleep on it.
The reason we didn’t bring home the girls is Angela didn’t like me, I think that she was in competition with me and she totally rejected me. (From Mom: Interesting what comes out in writing, we will be having a long conversation about this thought he has internalized). Olesya on the other hand liked us and we went to the Doner Café with her and she played with us. It was pretty fun for all of us.
When we were talking to the Assistant Director we told her that we didn’t think the girls were a match then we gave reasons. I feel sad that the girls are not coming home.
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OH Matthew
ReplyDeletemy heart really hurts for you but I dont think that she didnt like you. I think she didnt know what a family like all of you can offer and so she did only what she knew to do, and that was walk away from you all. I hope you can see what she couldnt - that you would have been one of the greatest brothers ever and if was young again and I had a brother like you, I would so proud of you, I would look up to you and really admire you.
As I said to Josh, I am so glad you boys went along with mum and dad, to meet the girls, to show them who you are but most of all to walk this hard journey together. You are an amazing family and you boys are the nicest and sweetest guys out. If in 5 years my son is anything like you, I would be so happy.
Big hugs
Joyce
Hello Matthew,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Janet.
I am so sorry for the pain that you and your family are feeling at this time. Please do not think it was anything to do with you, it's just that sometimes people are unpredictable and hard to understand. Not just kids, but sometimes adults too.
I have a daughter who is 11. She was also very unhappy when our first adoption attempt did not work out.....I believe that my love for her made her feel better, just as your mom and dad's and brothers' love will make you feel better. We ended up adopting another child, and I hope this will also happen for you.
We are all thinking of you and cheering you on. I am telling my 11 yr old about your Lajoy family, and we are putting our heads together to try to come up with ideas,,,,even tho we are far away, and we have never met.
Thank you for blogging Matthew. BTW you are very brave trying to adopt, because it is not easy.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI'm Teresa.
I was the one who sent the tops and the beatles post card when we all did you a big girl baby shower some weeks/months ago.
I fell very sad for all of you.
You know when sad things happen, sometimes we try to find a reason, or what we did wrong and we blame ourselves for things we feel we should have done better.
You blamed yourself, but do you know something Matthew? I did exactly the same.
My husband is a psychotherapist and I left a comment on your mom's blog sharing his thoughts about Angela's block and shut down.
I did it just a day before your mom said it was finished and you couldn't adopt those girls.
I blamed myself and yesterday when my husband came home from work I was crying a lot. I kept crying and my husband had to cook and take care of our children all by himself.
I felt it was all my fault.
That your parents had given up on the girls because I said the wrong thing.
You see after seeing for such a long time the girls photos on the corner of your mom's blog, in my heart they were your sisters and I couldn't bear the thought of those girls growing up without you.
Today I feel it was nobody's fault, it was a series of sad things happening together.
They did not know you were coming and had a great fright, Angela is too afraid to love and be hurt, so she chooses not look to protect herself.
I don't think she didn't like you, she was just too scared to know you better and to let a brother into her heart.
All we can do know is to pray they have a happy life, and can find joy and love in this world.
And you are very strong to try to see if there are other sisters just waiting for you to adopt them.
I think you are very brave children, adoption is very hard, it's difficult. Things can go wrong.
You are so very young and yet you know so much about life.
I pray you can find the sisters you deserve and you can all feel happy again.
Don't forget to be patient with your new sisters, they don't know you've been hurt so bad so recently. :)
Big hug to all you brave children,
Teresa
Dear Matthew, Please don't think that it was because Angela didn't like you. She is so confused right now and she's afraid. She doesn't realize how wonderful it would have been to be a part or your family. I'm so proud of how you and your brothers are helping your mom and dad. My heart is sad but you are all in my prayers. Remember, God has a plan.
ReplyDeleteMrs. B in VA
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your thoughts on this heartbreaking situation. I'm really sorry about how painful the past week has been for you. You and Angela are almost the same age, yet you are so much more mature, emotionally, than she is. Unfortunately, she hasn't had the family love and support you have, and it showed in the way she behaved toward all of you. I don't think she MEANT to be rude... but she was. I also don't think she dislikes you... rather, it sounds like she was conflicted... and behaved in a socially awkward and inappropriate manner... especially toward you.
I personally think, from reading your mom's blog, that you are an outstanding guy with a combination of strength, wisdom, maturity, compassion, intelligence, playfulness and tenderness all within you. You are an outstanding student, son and brother... and an amazing individual. Keep up the good work.
Hello Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your family's story for many years. I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time. It is very sad that Angela cannot see what a wonderful brother you would be and how being part of a loving family is something special.
Please know that many people are praying for you, your family and the girls. You are a terrific young man. It is important that you remember that.
Best wishes.
Allison from PA
Matt,
ReplyDeleteI wish I were there to give you a big hug. Honey, I know that you think that Angela didn't like you, but she didn't even know you....she was too afraid to open her heart to you. Believe me, if she had given you a chance then she would have loved you as much as everyone else who meets you does. This is so hard to understand, but I know that you were not the reason for her to not want to come. It would be really difficult to leave all you have ever known and take that leap of faith, even with people as wonderful as your family. I think Angela was just too scared, and maybe she was worried that if she got to know you then she would want to go and that would be even scarier.
Please know that we love you so much. You are a wonderful person, and you have so much love to share. We are missing you so much, and think of you everyday.
I love you,
Jill
Dear Matthew,
ReplyDeletePlease do not feel like she did not like you. This is a very difficult decision for Angela and she is having a very hard time realizing how great a family "Team LaJoy" really is. It is very sad that you will not be able to show Angela the great brother that you are but please remember that you qualities that many kids do not.
Barbara
Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI think Angela didn't know what it was like to be in a family and that's why she didn't want to leave. It sounds like she was going to miss her friends too much. She is missing out on getting GREAT brothers, but she can't understand that. I don't think it was because she didn't like you or anyone in your family.
Hi Matthew
ReplyDeleteIt is Tami and Tabi form Denver!
We are praying for you all.
What does it feel like to be in Kazakhstan and have people see you speak English?
We love you
Tami and Tab
Hello, Matthew,
ReplyDeleteWe live in Charlottesville, Virginia. This is a very hard time for everybody. It's OK to feel sad and to tell your Mom and Dad you feel sad. I hope you are having some fun times too. What have you learned about Kazakhstan while you are there?
With much love and prayers,
the Beattie family
Matthew, you have been very very brave. Sometimes it is hard to understand why things happen but God always has a plan. You have a very special family!
ReplyDeleteHI Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you feel that Angela did not like you and that is why they did not come to live with you. As an outsider reading about what happened I don't think that is what was going on with her. I thinks she lost hope that your family would come. With out hope her heart and head has hardened to the love of others. She was unable to let down the wall she has built around herself to try and protect it from more hurt. Sadly I think she will soon realize what a mistake she has made - what a wonderful brother she could have had.
Matthew you are an incredible young man - I am sorry you are having to go thru this.
Julie
Mom to Laura from Kaz
Yo Matthew! This is Miss Joan from the big city of Grand Junction! You and your family continue to be heroes to me! You gave your heart and your love unconditionally! Big word but your teacher/mom can explain it although you probably already know the word because you have experienced it in your family. Matthew, I can't imagine, honestly, anyone NOT liking you!!! There are so many reasons why Angela acted the way she did and I know you will talk with your family more about that. She is a confused little girl. I am so sad for Team LaJoy but sadder for Angela and Olesya because they won't be part of your wonderful team! It is not their fault or anyone's fault that this didn't work out. I am so glad that you are all there together to cry together, hug each other, talk with each other ...and still find a way to have a laugh or two! Hundreds (or more!) of people all around the world are thinking of you and wishing you the best (including ME!) Love, Miss Joan
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting to travel to Kazakhstan to meet a boy or girl to become my child. Not knowing what will happen is scary.
I think it has been a very scary week for Angela. Sometimes when we are scared we get really mad because feeling mad is easier than feeling scared. Mad is powerful, scared is to be without power.
When you are mad because you are scared, you take your 'mad' out on everyone. I think that is why Angela was mean to you, because she was so scared.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, it is hard to be ignored, especially when you are trying ever so hard.
Sending you best wishes,
Michele
Hi Matthew -
ReplyDeletePlease know that many people are praying for you and your family. The girls not coming home with you is not your fault.
I pray you are comforted by our prayers and that God fills you with the peace that surpasses all human understanding.
Kerri
Oh, Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes just reading what you have said. My heart aches for all of you as each of you tries to process what has happened. Angela, for reasons so complicated that we will never know all of them, never had a chance to know you, to decide whether she liked you or not. You are one fantastic, terrific guy in one amazing family. Angela will never really know the full extent of her choice to shut down. She will never know how great a brother you would have been or how special a person you are. We here in Montrose, here at Hillcrest--me here in Montrose, me here at Hillcrest--miss you, love you, and send our love and prayers to you.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Love,
Lael
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteHoney, I don't think it was that Angela didn't like you. I think that maybe she was scared to leave the orphanage and school. It is the only stable home she has ever known in her life. She didn't (if we are being honest) even get a chance to know you, Kenny or Josh...her heart seemed closed to the entire idea of becoming a LaJoy before you ever came to Kazakhstan. I know this doesn't take the hurt away, but I hope that maybe it helps to explain it. Much love from Las Vegas.
p.s. have you learned much about your great ancestor while you are there, or are you buried in school work?
Dear Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you feel the way you do. Please know that it is not your fault! I am waiting to go to Kazakhstan to meet my son, and I hope he has a heart just like you. Any child would be so lucky to have you as a brother! Please know that you have many people supporting you! Huge hugs!
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI met you when you were a baby. You and my daughter, Alia, are within days of being the exact same age and you both came home from Kazakhstan within a few months of each other. We live in the same county as you.
I want you to know that from what I've read of you over the last couple of years, any girl in this world would be extremely blessed to have you as a sister. You are an extraordinary young man.
I hope to see you again some day and that you and Alia can get to know each other again. She would love that - she's Kazakh and there are no other Kazakh children in our town. She has no recollection of the country she was born in and would love to hear about it sometime.
Prayers to you. I know this is hard for you all, but you have a wonderful and strong family. Have peace.
-SusanC
Dear Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting how you are feeling. I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
Matthew,
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers. I have no words of wisdom, Just that God has a plan in everything. Pray for wisdom. I know you are a good brother!
Jeanne
Hi Matthew
ReplyDeleteI know it is really hard not to think that Angela decided she didn't want to be adopted because of something you did or didn't do, or because she didn't like you. Even grown-ups have a hard time not blaming themselves for something like this.
But the truth is different.
Angela didn't even get to know you - and you can't dislike someone you don't know. She doesn't know you or your brothers, or your mom or dad. She decided not to get adopted because she was perhaps scared to leave everyone she already knew. I bet Kenny can remember how scary it was. Maybe it was just too scary for her. Angela made up her mind before she ever spent time with you. You weren't the reason she made her decision. In fact, I think the reason she ignored you at the bowling was because she was afraid to get to know you, and let you into her heart. It was easier and less scary to shut you out. When your heart has been hurt sometimes it is just less painful to keep it closed. You know how sometimes when you fall and cut yourself, you squeeze the hurt really tight so it feels better? And you don't want to let go or look and see how bad it is, because then you think it will hurt even more? Angela's heart is like that: she doesn't want to stop squeezing it close or let anyone in, because she is scared to get hurt and scared to trust anyone. She was scared to get to know you, like you (love you) because she was scared to need you all.
I know it will probably take a long time before you and your brothers and mom and dad stop feeling upset about what had happened. And that's ok. It's ok to feel angry or sad because you have had to let go of a dream you all shared together. I wish I had a magic wand to make you and your family, and Angela and her sister feel better. It's not fair that life should be so tough for kids.
I know you maybe feel just now that it is your job to help your brothers and your mom and dad. Maybe you worry about telling your mom and dad about how you feel in case you upset them. But your mom and dad will want to help you so don't be afraid to share your feelings with them. I bet they have the same feelings too and it will help you to talk about it.
God bless you all.
Matthew,
ReplyDeletePart of life involves getting hurt sometimes but not everyone gets hurt in such a big way as the LaJoys did. I think what matters is how you react to being hurt. You have shown us that your reaction is a very mature one and your family's new decision to search further sounds like a good one. Your "LaJoy" attitude will carry you far in life. If nothing else, this crisis has shown that you've had excellent upbringing and that a good family can carry you through times of crisis.
I think it's understandable that you felt Angela didn't like you; but, please don't take it personally. She is probably so confused right now (angry, sad, scared...and more) so her behavior is showing it. Such a disappointing situation! We're all feeling it, too.
Matthew, you have been a good example for all of us following the LaJoy blogs.
I like you and wish I had a brother like you! I like your blog also.
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing on your blog today. We look often to see what is happening on your adventure in Kaz. How does it feel to be back in your first home country? Are there mountains nearby like here in Montrose?
Mr Steve and I think you are very brave to go so far away from your home here to see the girls. It made us sad that Angela couldn't see what great brothers you all are. That must have hurt very much. Matt, you are an awesome young man who loves and cares so much, in your own quiet way. (OK, sometimes not so quiet... :-)
We are always so proud of you and the way you help Kenny and Joshie. Sometimes when people are scared, like Angela and Olesya, they can't really see all the good around them and they really miss out.
We wish the girls could have seen how much fun you have here in Colorado. They might have been able to understand a little better about your warm and safe place here at home.
Mr Steve and his friends in Woodworker's Guild built 40 rocking chairs for Toys for Tots. His picture was on the front page of the paper. It is amazing to see them all lined up waiting for their new owner. They will be giving out the toys and chairs to parents on Saturday so the children can get them on Christmas.
We miss seeing you so much. No one sat in your pew at church on Sunday and it was lonely without you. Only Zack and Meridian were in Sunday School.
Please remember that we love you very much and think of you often. We are praying that you will know God's will about another possible sister or brother to bring home. It would be scary to try to get to know someone new after feeling so hurt. Mommie and Daddy will explain all they can to help you understand what to expect along the way. We know you can be very strong and brave.
Please give Mommie and Daddy, and Kenny and Joshie, huge hugs from us both. We love you ALL very much.
Much love,
Mr Steve and Miss Jane
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Trey and I have a 10-year-old son named Jack. Jack was born in Astana, Kazakhstan and our family adopted Jack right before his second birthday. I know you feel sad but it is not your fault that Angela was too afraid to make the decision to join your family. Sometimes people make decisions that you know would not be the best for them, but you can't make decisions for other people. I know that God has a plan for your family. Just keeping loving and hugging everyone in your family, and someday you will look back and see that God had a different plan than the one you first thought.
Trey Futch
Lawrenceville, GA
Matthew, please don't think that Angela didn't like you. I believe Angela feels so safe at the orphanage, having lived there for so long, that she is afraid to leave. If only she knew what a loving home she would be going to with three great boys for brothers. But there is no way for her to know that. We all want to be where we feel comfortable. I think that is what Angela is doing. I'm sad, too. If only she knew.
ReplyDeleteMatthew, I'm sorry you have had to go through such a difficult experience with the girls. This is a hard thing for grown ups to go through too! I have read your Mom's blog for a long time and always tell my husband stories about you and your brothers. I have told my husband before how proud I would be if our son (from Kyrgyzstan!) grew up to be like you and your brothers. Please know that the way Angela acted is the result of the difficult life she has had - it has nothing to do with you. You are an outstanding young man, and I will still be following along to see what a wonderful young man you become whether there are other children who are meant to join your family or not. So many of us are sad for you and your family. It's ok to be upset and disappointed -just remember you can tell God all of your sadness and He will help you get through it.
ReplyDeleteOh Matthew, you have such a kind and tender heart. It will serve you well someday when you are a husband and a father. But, believe me when I say, that Angela's decision was not a reflection of how she felt towards you. Angela is a very hurt, scared, and strong young girl. She's had to grow up faster than any child ever ought to. She didn't have the advantage of a wonderful family like yours while she was still small. She didn't have someone to instill all of the compassion, love, and tenderness that your parents worked so hard to impart on you. I am sorry you are hurting. You are a wondeful big brother, I can tell by all that your mom writes about you! God has a plan, and it is hard to see what that plan is right now. But, I can promise you that He has good things for you. Please hug your family for us.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Hilary
Dear Matthew,
ReplyDeleteAs many others have said, it wasn't that Angela didn't like you. Her fear of the unknown paralyzed her, and she didn't even get to know you or any of Team LaJoy.
It's difficult right now for anyone to understand why things worked out the way they did. Maybe it will still work out for you to have more siblings. But no matter what...you have two wonderful parents that love you very, very much...and two very awesome brothers! (And they have two very awesome brothers, too! :))
Much love and many prayers for Team LaJoy,
Mrs. B
Dear Matthew:
ReplyDeleteI cried when i read your post. I'm sure you don't remember me. I am David's mom and we met you when you came to get Kenny in Bishkek. I remember meeting you and thinking what an amazing boy you were. David liked you instantly and was so sad that you weren't staying in Bishkek longer. Matthew don't blame yourself or think that the situation with the girls had anything to do with you or them not liking you. You are an amazing boy with a big heart and a warm smile. God made you so special! If Angela had the chance and knew English she would love you instantly, just like our family did! You are special, Matthew!! God has great things in store for your life! Right now, it is a hard time, but i am praying that God will fill you with His peace. Much Love, Mrs. Scott
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI have two sisters and NO brothers. I would give anything to have a brother just like you!!!
I suspect that if you & your brothers were to have the luxury of time - say 2 or 3 months - to spend with Angela, then she would be able to slowly get over her fear. A few days is probably just too short of a time frame for her to be eager to leave everything she knows for a whole new world with your family in America. It sounds more like she chose her familiar life over the unfamiliar life with your family.
I know it will be hard, but try not to take it personnally. I hope that you find brothers or sisters that will fit in your family.
Your friends in Utah.
Angela has a lot of problems that have nothing to do with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a nice guy and I can tell, so are your brothers. It looks like you all have a lot of fun. I always loved my bros and sisters and we had a ball when we were little.
It is Angela's loss. I have a feeling that even if she had gone home with you, she would have been a real pain for a long time.
You will always have your brothers and you know they will always have your back.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteWow you and your brothers certainly have quite a lot of fans! You are a very popular and very loved family. From the Atlantic Ocean, to the Pacific Ocean from the U.S. and Canada all the way to Kaz, many many people are thinking of you and your family all the time. I know I was so excited when you got on the plane for kaz and the hopes for new sisters. Now my prayers and heart goes out to you that you will just know how loved you are and that despite Angela being unable to open her heart, you know you are loved and nothing was your fault. Hopefully you will in time have another member of your family to call sister or brother. Hugs!!!
Ann
Matthew, I know everyone has alredy said the same things to you, but I want you to know that more people who may not write feel the same way:
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing young man!!! I don't think it was that Angela didn't like you, but that she simply didn't know you or how fabulous a brother you'd be.
It's sort of like playing Uno, I think...sometimes, you may not have a card to play--you may be holding a Wild/Draw 4, but you would like to use that for something REALLY great--like making mom or dad draw four!! So, you take a chance and pick a card from the deck...it's scary to pick that card, because it could be the wrong card and then you feel like you should have used your Wild card anyway...but you just may luck out and it's the right card and then you STILL get to keep your Draw 4 for a great time! In being part of your family, Angela may have been holding a Draw 4, but she just didn't know if this was the time to use it...she thought she may need it another time, so she drew from the pile. One day, she may realize she should have used her Draw 4 and become part of Team LaJoy, but she also may see her drawing from the pile as the only thing she could do because it made her feel safer...at the time.
The sad part is that she misses out on you and your brothers as family, but I really don't think it had anything to do with you.
I know this probably didn't make sense. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing boy and am so sad your heart hurts. I definitely pray for you and your family!!
Matthew, I don't know if you remember me, but I was in Kazakhstan adopting my son, Carter, while you and your parents were adopting Josh. You are such a neat boy and I enjoyed "hanging out" with you and your parents. I'm sure that both girls would have loved you if they had tried to get to know you and your brothers. I am certain that Angela's decision had nothing at all to do with you! Sometimes kids who have grown up in such a hard situation just can't handle receiving love from a real family. I will be praying for you and hope you find some new brothers or sisters very soon!
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew -
ReplyDeleteMy name is Rachel and I am friends with your Mom. I think you are one amazing boy and so grown up. We are praying for your family and I really enjoy reading your blogs!
Matthew,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings. It would be hard to be so excited about new sisters and then realize that it is not a good fit for your family and that it is not going to happen. You have a wonderful family and the girls are going to miss out on that.
I'm sure you did not do anything wrong to Angela. Angela just wasn't ready for a family right now.
Best wishes,
Maureen in Ohio